Tuesday, November 25, 2008

My First Rant: How did I end up like this?

Hello, World. This is my first blog, so bear with me. After many years of a very unhappy marriage, I guess I am done, hence the "stick a fork in me." Allow me to rant about said marriage and impending ending thereof, here. I accept all advice, suggestions, fellow ranters and remedies.

It started out perfect, doesn't it always? Who gets married thinking they'll ever get divorced? I was the kind who never had boyfriends. I am very independent and strong. Being tall never helped the situation, I am rather imposing inside and out I suppose. So, when I met him, I knew within a few weeks, "he was the one." We started into children quickly as I wasn't getting any younger and we both dearly wanted them. In my child rearing bliss, I neglected to see the ever growing drug abuse. Being naive and preoccupied with the kids, it only got worse. After three arrests, he was stopped in his tracks and put in rehab. He narrowly escaped one year in jail but headed into three years of probation.

The years to follow, I was there. After my initial shock and resentment, I proceeded into the "Great Reinvention" of myself. From a co-dependent, enabling, nurturing wife/care taker to the "stick a fork in me" gal you read here. A long journey I had to take and am happier for it. Now, what to do with the husband who refuses to "get it?" I have changed, you are dragging me down, can we be done here?

I have been emotionally divorced for almost 3 years now, even tossed him out for a year, only to take him back after he was almost killed in a car accident (not his fault and he was clean/sober.) But this short reconciliation has shown me that I need more, I can have more, I DESERVE more. I think (no, I know) that as wives and mothers, we are so busy taking care of other people, organizing, cleaning, working, taxi-ing, that we forget about ourselves. Not just the physical or career, but our inner selves. After 2 years of therapy and several "better living through chemistry" helpers, I know a few things about myself, and others for that matter. Time is too short to be unhappy or filled with resentment. I would describe it to my therapist as a bucket I carried around constantly. Every time he would disappoint me, I would throw another rock in the bucket. So many rocks piled up that it was almost impossible to go any further with it. But the stupid thing is, is that at any time, I COULD HAVE PUT THE DAMN THING DOWN!!! We never think of doing that, do we? Just put it down and walk away from it.

So, that is what I have done over the past few years of self exploration. I put down my bucket and have refused to pick it up again. Think about your lives. Do you have a bucket? Is it filling up? Dump it, girlfriends. It's not worth it.

OK, so there was my first rant. May need daily catharsis, so check back often. Let me hear from you too! Thanks for listening.



Kirsten said...

My heart goes out to you. You have had such a hard time the past few years. I hope this is a new beginning for you.

PS-I'm your first comment!!!!

Tammy said...

WOW.... You know i support you whole heartedly. You have walked down this road for quite a while in such a state of unhappiness. I loved your honestly and confidence. I know you will get through this time and I stand beside you. Loved the bucket illustration...We all have things we need to put down and that was well said. You go girl .....